Friday, August 17, 2012
thoughts with deep meaning
before i go as in leave this world i understand that i have so many loose ends i must tie so many people i have hurt with in my life so much anger that i have built up inside why do i take all my frustrations out on others when i should really be taking it out on my self why am i so bitter is something i do need to find out honestly but its like who can i run to i need to vent on everything thing i dislike a bout myself were do i began its i know i have build this wall around me to block the hurt but the only thing i am really blocking out are the ones that love me the most this i have found out but i just did not care i still am like that know and i do slap a smile in face and act like it don't matter what they say should not matter but at i do know for the most part it may be true but for the half of it i act like it does not bother me but for the most part it does be cause it like i come around my family every day and i see how they are when stop by to say hello or stay the night i mainly push a way the ones i really do need within my circle close circle and now i see why they don't really want me around i steal and destroy all my life i would think of myself as a screw up well i have done i have found plenty of ways within my life to screw things up i once was the little girl who at one point use to cry for her mother now i am the one that acts like i don't need her at all i was always the one with the the learning problems but i feel that i have somewhat overcome that but still struggle but who doesn't but i feel like why do i do this to myself i have told lie after lie simply running from truth the way i see it do i even know what the truth is any more i have mistaking fiction for whats real for whats fake it like living a cartoon to me i have taking things and lied i have done this on a lot of different occasions to the point that no one trust me but on top of that how do i trust myself if any thing i have dug myself in to a ditch so deep that i can't seem to get myself out there are so many barriers o may wall around my heart that if you tare down one there is always going to be another one in its place one after another and its like how do i make all these walls collapse at once so that i free to fly and get away from whats holding me down i hate feeling like this forever waking up in the morning and staring at this same face in the mirror day after day i may put on a brave face but inside i'm dying of hurt of pain of not knowing why this guilt that i feel is killing me day after day i may act brave but i am not i am scared of a lot of things what ever they may be the main i am terrified is that my mother is getting up there in age and everyday that goes by is another day of me not saying how i really feel to her but also feel that if i have some to say she won't care nor here me out or like she is not concerned or i i'm just talking just to be talking and i know i am not but does she is what i'm getting at do care enough to see that i am hurting and that i do need you can't you see that i do want you in my life its the thing you do that make me feel like a bald headed step child but it not just you its me also there is always two sides to any story but you don't see that what i do is a cry for you attention for you to open your heart and listen i feel like your so caught up with my sister and what she does or what she is going to do and i feel like i don't matter and if i feel like you pick favorites you do i may not have an interesting life like my sister but i do have a life non the less even if you don't seem to care i may not know how you feel but know how i feel and feel like i don't matter as much as my sister doe's we don't go out do things talk or anything i feel like if you just give a moment of your time you would see what was going on in my world but how can i make you see that i am more than what you see on the surface or what anyone may give me credit for if you give me any credit what so ever and you ask me why do i always run to my dad for every thing or about anything because i feel that he does listen more so than you do i am just stating how i feel or how i see it from my prospective i may shut you out but i would never shut you out of my life your my mom .
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)