its crazy how i always manage to mess every thing up in my life time like taking things to the point no one wants me around any more and i wonder why people stay distant from me because of  my bad habits and i am starting to see why now and there is no excuse for what i do it inexcusable me knowing idled hands are the devils dirty work that i do understand that but why does my heart and head have this constant battle between each other my heart said what right but my head for ever leads me astray i know right from wrong so if that the case why am i like this they say if you do something over and over the its no longer a habit it be comes a problem and a i am ready to admit that i do have a problem in life in taking things what ever and i feel i need to get help because it has been going for to long i have been arrested two time over the dumb stuff 

i should think that would have taught me lesson by now but i am still on the same dumb shit and worst when someone confronts me about it i lie and say anything even  though they already know what i have done i don't think i know who i am any more it seems like i have jacked my life to the point were if look in the mirror i do know the person looking back at me not at all and the constant questions i have to ask my self who am i what have i become why have i become this and when will it end does it end thinking about it i hate who iv'e become and why should i keep living like this i am not a person i am a shell of my once former self and do need help i do i say this because it has gone to far i do not like who i have become+. 

its crazy how much that women pinches a nerve i swear it and its always getting more than a little old my mother she will never understand me or what makes me who i am see with me and here we are like day and night it seams like she doesn't do anything unless she get an okay from my baby sister and she is twenty five now and to me its crazy

why do i take things and then lie about it like its no big thing and they ask me why and i have no answer for them i can see why no one would want me around because i take things that does not belong to me and i will admit that this is one of  my biggest wrongs it like my and to lie about it is even worst i do have a problem and i am admitting to it all this i never said i was perfect who is and i am not striving for it either but i am willing to blog to the world about it i keep getting myself into things that can't get out of it like i am digging my self in to a bigger ditch and left myself stranded with no one there to help me out i don't think any one can unless i either choose to want to be help or until i help myself

there is more to me than what you see on the surface i don't know if you know it and i don't always show it that beautiful side of me that side that some may know about but has rarely seen that fulfilling side that can only be me filled with such desire passion and fire and true admiration  this side of me that is such a sensation if they only knew me and sweet that can be if only they could see the better side that part that will give all i can give and live until i take my last breath until there is nothing left if there is not anything else i'll give my self my heart my soul time to let it all unfold they don't know the stories untold that part of me that shines brighter than the purest gold that crazy side of me that's extremely bold .

see a bad man is like a cheep bottle of wine it may look good on the outside but they always seem to leave a bitter after taste and you see a good man is like a bottle of vintage wine tangy, sweet, sexy and smooth and good with almost anything and at times hard to find if you ask me i say that because its true at times but also you gotta know what your looking for also if your looking for something a little inexpensive you may go with something you can get at your local gas station up the street if your looking for something expensive try something with good spirits ones with good spirits have great taste if you get me i am saying this because a great man is hard to find.

Tell why must we at times wait for love how do we know if it will or will not come honestly i say this because every keeps telling me you have to be strong  the right man will come soon enough i feel like this about that situation i feel like if there is a soul mate out there for every one than why is so hard to find him you can spend our whole life waiting for THE ONE but how will you know if he is the one my thing is ho many toads must i kiss until i find a prince or that needle in that big pile of hay i don't know for sure but what i do know is this out of  all the men that i have been with i found that i have been jumping from one meaningless relationship to the next because i felt that it was safe but know i am starting to see that there is no safe haven in that why get myself caught up in the wrong guy when i can get caught in the right one i mean that's not how i want live the rest of  my life feeling skeptical of each and ever guy i come in counter with i want to be able to get rid of those bag of the pass so the next relationship i do get in to can be a great one and live that life being at peace and tranquility  not shuffling from one screw up to he next to me its crazy though i say that because all the men iv'e dated in the pass was only after one thing as far as i know it cheap sex they where only in getting there little dicks wet yeah it would be a quick fuck but if you don't love or care for the person you fucking the why fuck them i mean honestly why spend your life dealing with a man you know don't love you or whom your not compatible with that's a waste of that part of  your life when you can spend your time with someone you really want to be with and that how i feel.

LOVE IS
SWEET TENDER SPECIAL DIVINE SUBLIME UNIQUE CHIC SEXY BEAUTIFUL YOUTHFUL CUTE PRETTY ELEGANT ZANY CRAZY TRUE REAL UNFORGETTABLE LOVE IS EVERYTHING

there is a time in my life were i feel like i am non existent like i am going no were fast but other times i feel like i have no clue what is happening around me like i am so disconnected from every thing and everyone and i hate that i do i mean i do have my own crew i hang with but even they seem like the same thing daily my thing is i need a change of pace a change of friends don't get me wrong i love my old friends dearly but its time to switch it up i need friends that inspire and motivate me in to doing great for my self those type of people that get me in to doing things that drive artistic creative friends the type that come up with new and innovative way of thinking positive thinking not the that kind of negative thinking my old friends have never done me wrong but its time for a change i need one in my life or more than one because at times there are times were my life does feel like a downward spiral or a deadly roller coaster with no end and no matter how many times you go around or how many times it makes vomit it feels like your going no were fast and life does always seam to have its vomit moments they are parts in life that may make you sick but you have to overcome them .

I had to sitting here thinking that everything that i have ever done wrong in my life span is on me like me taking from my mother without asking hanging out with the wrong crowd in high school was on me me getting caught twice and going to jail twice was on me my way of treating people and my messed up attitude and the way i have my childish ways is all on me me inviting fake friends over to my home and letting them steal from me was and is on me admitting to all my faults on the web and letting the public read this post of me getting many things off my chest and vent takes a lot of strength and a lot of bravery but if i must get it off my heart than so be it what ever i have done in my life i take full responsibility for all i have done to mess up peoples lives in the pass present and future i walk around like everything is okay when in my heart i know i have access baggage to let go of and i thought about if were to meet the right guy i don't want to carry that with me through out that relationship i want be happy with my self with my life i don't want my kids to deal with what i have put my self through , throughout my lifetime .

There is so many things in this world that can really piss you like with me its my mother she likes to pick with me like a little 5 year old child and i do try my hardest not to let it get to me but it hard even though she is my mother but she just gets under skin and i hate why should i bend over and kiss her ass i do understand she is ill but even if  i help her out ro do something right for once in my life and i try to tell her about it she just blows me off like i don't care i do think about i am getting ready for college in the fall and i wonder if she would care then or when i go off and get married will she care then if i do any thing with my life will she give a damn then i do try to help her out with the babysitting cleaning or whatever but i'm tired of getting tired why do i have to try so hard for her she cares when i do anything bad i lover i do but if its me i feel i'm not good enough but if its my sister its like lets put her on high but i'm still at  the bottom of the latter i understand that she gets pissed off when i dont  listen to her that i do understand that and she gets fed up but maybe i need to see things from her point of view also i can't just state my case with out getting all off the facts or seeing it from both sides so 

                                                                                                                                       SEE YA

                                                                                                                                      NICOLE