I know I have somethings to work on in my life who doesn't though I have some access baggage that i am a still dragging along like yes i consider myself a child at heart but at times my childish side gets the better half of me making any good judgments that I should make and at times it does plague me to were my mind at times takes over even though my heart is saying that its a bad idea and I know its bad idea but i end up going with what my heart said's is right my thing is I battle with myself constantly and with that i am always at war and I am sitting here thinking to my self why does it or why do I have to be this way i love my child like nature but I still feel like its time for me to grow up and face reality that I am not that little girl i once was i do love me for being me but the choices i make and at time how I go along with those so called choices is to me crazy why is this a constant battle between the good and evil within me why is it that I have a problem with this why do I let my bad often over power my good most or all of the time I was telling every one that I really  

need help and it seems to me that they just blow it off and i don't like that when you know there is something wrong with you you don't sit back and let it continue you seek the help that you need to resolve the matters at hand and i feel if whats i have to do then so be it because i am tired of living with this guilt with the pain that I have not only  brought on my self but to those around me I seem like i am doing good for my self by going to school getting my education and doing some thing better with my self than what I have been doing but how can i cause myself to move on or let go  if I still have so much hanging over my head or so many skeletons in my closet I know i am not perfect and i don't strive for neither but what i do strive for is a piece of mind some relief from all the weight on my shoulders the possibility to think with a clear head and not a guilty mind i want that feeling of being ashamed or being judged for not just who I am or what I do to go away and stay away that why I feel i need help I am tired of my worst half getting the best of better half and it being a constant battle of good vs evil .

thoughts with deep meaning

before i go as in leave this world i understand that i have so many loose ends i must tie so many people i have hurt with in my life so much anger that i have built up inside why do i take all my frustrations out on others when i should really be taking it out on my self why am i so bitter is something i do need to find out honestly but its like who can i run to i need to vent on everything thing i dislike a bout myself  were do i began its i know i have build this wall around me to block the hurt but the only thing i am really blocking out are the ones that love me the most this i have found out but i just did not care i still am like that know and i do slap a smile in face and act like it don't matter what they say should not matter but at i do know for the most part it may be true but for the half of it i act like it does not bother me but for the most part it does be cause it like i come around my family every day and i see how they are when stop by to say hello or stay the night i mainly push a way the ones i really do need within my circle close circle and now i see why they don't really want me around i steal and destroy all my life i would think of myself as a screw up well i have done i have found plenty of ways within my life to screw things up i once was the little girl who at one point use to cry for her mother now i am the one that acts like i don't need her at all i was always the one with the the learning problems but i feel that i have somewhat overcome that but still struggle but who doesn't but i feel like why do i do this to myself i have told lie after lie simply running from truth the way i see it do i even know what the truth is any more i have mistaking fiction for whats real for whats fake it like living a cartoon to me i have taking things and lied i have done this on a lot of different occasions to the point that no one trust me but on top of that how do i trust myself if any thing i have dug myself in to a ditch so deep that i can't seem to  get myself out there are so many barriers o may wall around my heart that if you tare down one there is always  going to be another one in its place one after another and its like how do i make all these walls collapse at once so that i free to fly and get away from whats holding me down i hate feeling like this forever waking up in the morning and staring at this same face in the mirror day after day i may put on a brave face but inside i'm dying of hurt of pain of  not knowing why this guilt that i feel is killing me day after day i may act brave but i am not i am scared of a lot of things what ever they may be the main i am terrified is that my mother is getting up there in age and everyday that goes by is another day of me not saying how i really feel to her but also feel that if i have some to say she won't care nor here me out or like she is not concerned or i i'm just talking just to be talking and i know i am not but does she is what i'm getting at do care enough to see that i am hurting and that i do need you can't you see that i do want you in my life its the thing you do that make me feel like a bald headed step child but it not just you its me also there is always two sides to any story but you don't see that what i do is a cry for you attention for you to open your heart and listen i feel like your so caught up with my sister and what she does or what she is going to do and i feel like i don't matter and if i feel like you pick favorites you do i may not have an interesting life like my sister but i do have a life non the less even if you don't seem to care i may not know how you feel but know how i feel and feel like i don't matter as much as my sister doe's we don't go out do things talk or anything i feel like if you just give a moment of your time you would see what was going on in my world but how can i make you see that i am more than what you see on the surface or what anyone may give me credit for if you give me any credit what so ever and you ask me why do i always run to my dad for every thing or about anything because i feel that he does listen more so than you do i am just stating how i feel or how i see it from my prospective i may shut you out but i would never shut you out of my life your my mom .

WARNING!
LOVE CAN CAUSE HEART ACHE HEARTBREAK STRESS DEPRESSION PROJECTILE VOMITING CHEST PAINS HEADACHES DIZZINESS LIGHT HEADED ECT. DO NOT TAKE AT
ALL IT IS A HARD PILL TO SWALLOW

life is extremely crazy if you ask me but i'm sure you know that already though but i am sitting here thinking about all the hell and shit i have put my parents through the last pass 28 years and i feel like yeah at times they did piss me off but out of all that i feel what i did in my life i brought it on myself and i am starting to see why me and mom are so distant because one thing is that every time she would give me ad vice i would go and cling to my father which is not right i should have at least sat and talked it out with her and ask questions to get a better understanding of why it is the way it is but i don't i cop an attitude like a child an storm off and that not cool my mother as told me that if i had anything to talk to her tell her but my thing is if she does not have the time to here me or "WHAT SHE THINKS" i have to say and she should be the one to talk to in any given time . to be continued

i do have a problem is the first thing i would like to admit my thing is taking from the ones who love me the most yes i do steal and i do have a problem with it i do struggle with this i don't care to admit it all i have taking things so much that it has not just became a habit it has become a problem and i feel that i need to seek help because its my mother that i am taking things from and it crazy she has done all she can for me and know she hates me for it because its like that's the way i re pay her is to steal who am i to do this to some who gave me life carried me for nine months she does not owe me a damn thing here i am cutting open scars that won't heal unless i  let them some of them  may need stitches because there bigger than may appear and instead of healing the scares that are already there i keep cutting more scars or poring salt on the ones that are already there is how i really  feel and its like i don't give a fuck or have remorse for the shit i have and is still putting her through till this day this is the part of me i hate the i don't give a fuck part that has this built up anger toward a woman that has not only showed me love but has been through a lot with me growing up i write things down because its hard for me to say what i need to say word of mouth but here it is .

its crazy how i always manage to mess every thing up in my life time like taking things to the point no one wants me around any more and i wonder why people stay distant from me because of  my bad habits and i am starting to see why now and there is no excuse for what i do it inexcusable me knowing idled hands are the devils dirty work that i do understand that but why does my heart and head have this constant battle between each other my heart said what right but my head for ever leads me astray i know right from wrong so if that the case why am i like this they say if you do something over and over the its no longer a habit it be comes a problem and a i am ready to admit that i do have a problem in life in taking things what ever and i feel i need to get help because it has been going for to long i have been arrested two time over the dumb stuff 

i should think that would have taught me lesson by now but i am still on the same dumb shit and worst when someone confronts me about it i lie and say anything even  though they already know what i have done i don't think i know who i am any more it seems like i have jacked my life to the point were if look in the mirror i do know the person looking back at me not at all and the constant questions i have to ask my self who am i what have i become why have i become this and when will it end does it end thinking about it i hate who iv'e become and why should i keep living like this i am not a person i am a shell of my once former self and do need help i do i say this because it has gone to far i do not like who i have become+. 

its crazy how much that women pinches a nerve i swear it and its always getting more than a little old my mother she will never understand me or what makes me who i am see with me and here we are like day and night it seams like she doesn't do anything unless she get an okay from my baby sister and she is twenty five now and to me its crazy

why do i take things and then lie about it like its no big thing and they ask me why and i have no answer for them i can see why no one would want me around because i take things that does not belong to me and i will admit that this is one of  my biggest wrongs it like my and to lie about it is even worst i do have a problem and i am admitting to it all this i never said i was perfect who is and i am not striving for it either but i am willing to blog to the world about it i keep getting myself into things that can't get out of it like i am digging my self in to a bigger ditch and left myself stranded with no one there to help me out i don't think any one can unless i either choose to want to be help or until i help myself

there is more to me than what you see on the surface i don't know if you know it and i don't always show it that beautiful side of me that side that some may know about but has rarely seen that fulfilling side that can only be me filled with such desire passion and fire and true admiration  this side of me that is such a sensation if they only knew me and sweet that can be if only they could see the better side that part that will give all i can give and live until i take my last breath until there is nothing left if there is not anything else i'll give my self my heart my soul time to let it all unfold they don't know the stories untold that part of me that shines brighter than the purest gold that crazy side of me that's extremely bold .

see a bad man is like a cheep bottle of wine it may look good on the outside but they always seem to leave a bitter after taste and you see a good man is like a bottle of vintage wine tangy, sweet, sexy and smooth and good with almost anything and at times hard to find if you ask me i say that because its true at times but also you gotta know what your looking for also if your looking for something a little inexpensive you may go with something you can get at your local gas station up the street if your looking for something expensive try something with good spirits ones with good spirits have great taste if you get me i am saying this because a great man is hard to find.

Tell why must we at times wait for love how do we know if it will or will not come honestly i say this because every keeps telling me you have to be strong  the right man will come soon enough i feel like this about that situation i feel like if there is a soul mate out there for every one than why is so hard to find him you can spend our whole life waiting for THE ONE but how will you know if he is the one my thing is ho many toads must i kiss until i find a prince or that needle in that big pile of hay i don't know for sure but what i do know is this out of  all the men that i have been with i found that i have been jumping from one meaningless relationship to the next because i felt that it was safe but know i am starting to see that there is no safe haven in that why get myself caught up in the wrong guy when i can get caught in the right one i mean that's not how i want live the rest of  my life feeling skeptical of each and ever guy i come in counter with i want to be able to get rid of those bag of the pass so the next relationship i do get in to can be a great one and live that life being at peace and tranquility  not shuffling from one screw up to he next to me its crazy though i say that because all the men iv'e dated in the pass was only after one thing as far as i know it cheap sex they where only in getting there little dicks wet yeah it would be a quick fuck but if you don't love or care for the person you fucking the why fuck them i mean honestly why spend your life dealing with a man you know don't love you or whom your not compatible with that's a waste of that part of  your life when you can spend your time with someone you really want to be with and that how i feel.

LOVE IS
SWEET TENDER SPECIAL DIVINE SUBLIME UNIQUE CHIC SEXY BEAUTIFUL YOUTHFUL CUTE PRETTY ELEGANT ZANY CRAZY TRUE REAL UNFORGETTABLE LOVE IS EVERYTHING

there is a time in my life were i feel like i am non existent like i am going no were fast but other times i feel like i have no clue what is happening around me like i am so disconnected from every thing and everyone and i hate that i do i mean i do have my own crew i hang with but even they seem like the same thing daily my thing is i need a change of pace a change of friends don't get me wrong i love my old friends dearly but its time to switch it up i need friends that inspire and motivate me in to doing great for my self those type of people that get me in to doing things that drive artistic creative friends the type that come up with new and innovative way of thinking positive thinking not the that kind of negative thinking my old friends have never done me wrong but its time for a change i need one in my life or more than one because at times there are times were my life does feel like a downward spiral or a deadly roller coaster with no end and no matter how many times you go around or how many times it makes vomit it feels like your going no were fast and life does always seam to have its vomit moments they are parts in life that may make you sick but you have to overcome them .

I had to sitting here thinking that everything that i have ever done wrong in my life span is on me like me taking from my mother without asking hanging out with the wrong crowd in high school was on me me getting caught twice and going to jail twice was on me my way of treating people and my messed up attitude and the way i have my childish ways is all on me me inviting fake friends over to my home and letting them steal from me was and is on me admitting to all my faults on the web and letting the public read this post of me getting many things off my chest and vent takes a lot of strength and a lot of bravery but if i must get it off my heart than so be it what ever i have done in my life i take full responsibility for all i have done to mess up peoples lives in the pass present and future i walk around like everything is okay when in my heart i know i have access baggage to let go of and i thought about if were to meet the right guy i don't want to carry that with me through out that relationship i want be happy with my self with my life i don't want my kids to deal with what i have put my self through , throughout my lifetime .

There is so many things in this world that can really piss you like with me its my mother she likes to pick with me like a little 5 year old child and i do try my hardest not to let it get to me but it hard even though she is my mother but she just gets under skin and i hate why should i bend over and kiss her ass i do understand she is ill but even if  i help her out ro do something right for once in my life and i try to tell her about it she just blows me off like i don't care i do think about i am getting ready for college in the fall and i wonder if she would care then or when i go off and get married will she care then if i do any thing with my life will she give a damn then i do try to help her out with the babysitting cleaning or whatever but i'm tired of getting tired why do i have to try so hard for her she cares when i do anything bad i lover i do but if its me i feel i'm not good enough but if its my sister its like lets put her on high but i'm still at  the bottom of the latter i understand that she gets pissed off when i dont  listen to her that i do understand that and she gets fed up but maybe i need to see things from her point of view also i can't just state my case with out getting all off the facts or seeing it from both sides so 

                                                                                                                                       SEE YA

                                                                                                                                      NICOLE