I may have said some harsh thing to and about my mother in the pass which was wrong on my behalf yeah we may get into it but i feel lower than low right now there is nothing I won't do for her if she needs me to watch the kids I'll do if she needs squares I will go get them no matter how much we would bitch and argue there is nothing i will do for her my sister says its just be cause i want squares but that bitch don't know what I'm feeling and she will never know my heart like she gives two squirts of piss how I feel I may show my feeling differently but that don't mean I don't give a fuck no bull shit I love my mom like crazy yeah I under stand  that I put my mom through hell now she is getting ready to under go surgery my heart can't bear it I really can't I was always the one causing her problems taking her through hell she is dealing with a life illness and if can't do anything but cause her problems then why do I still come around if that's what i do I just ready to leave but that won't help me get over the bull shit that i have unraveled over the course of 29 years yes I do want to tell her how i feel while she is still living I feel like the longer i hold it in the more it will kill me slowly until there is nothing left my heart is heavy with regrets of not telling her over the years what has been going on with me or why I act like such a bitch I act like is was all about me but its not I have issues about me that need to be resolved if not I might as well waist away to nothing because its just going to eat me alive if let it I don't blame my mother for none of the shit I put her through and what I put myself through who am I really?? who the fuck am I to do my own mom like that right now its hard to see her in a hospital bed i may have done it but I feel like did but can't say that she fell yesterday and my niece was crying and i told her my mom tough she will be okay to calm her down but know I hear that they have to drill a whole in her head to take pressure of her brain and I am scared I can't take it no more I just can' t take anymore I maybe deeply hurting at this point and time but I was that little girl that use to cry every time her mother would go on her weekend vacations to saint Louis at that point and time i needed her and comes to show that I still need her even though I may not show it I need but I know i need to start just by doing the little thing i do for her what ever she needs while and when I am over hear I will do it that's my MOM if it wasn't for her i would not be were I am today she gave up her dreams her hair salon to teach me at home she sacrificed every thing for me  and this is how i repay her with years of fucking bullshit that's how to show someone appreciation to some one for all they have done my cousins in Chicago lost there mother they were young and they had o cope with that there is still so much I need to say to my mine while she is still here but its like were do I start I know were to start I can start by apologizing for the shit I have said to her  over the years and explain to her her what I am sorry for word of mouth no pen no paper just me why am I holding all this bitter frustration in its eating away my heart until there is nothing left I can't take it any longer I just can't I am sitting here writing this blog in tears mind you and I'm telling all this to a computer when this is not that something I should be talking to I should be talking to her my MOTHER!!!!!!......  

temptation

TEMPTATION:  Definition: Something that temps, entices or allures.
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There are so many thing put in this world to tempt you or try temptation has lure you in and there are many times were you fall in to it or at times trapped by it not knowing at times which way is up half the time i think of it as a hurdle you stumble over it and let it bring you down or you can walk around it or walk through it i feel that many given temptation are all like Venus fly trap waiting to strike at any given moment temptations are put out there to trick not only the mind but heart and your spiritual been as well it can also can also tear you apart if you let it temptation can also be a sexual thing there some out there who feel like there spouse is not giving them what they need sexually so at some point they are tempted to go out and find it in someone new i think its because they feel wanted or that other person may excite them or make them feel wanted even if it one night of passion at time those type of temptations can leave you with a sense of self  pity or with many regrets that you wish you didn't have in the first place but you think to your self what or who can one night hurt knowing you may have a family at home that loves you and needs you also get tempted to tell lies on top of lies to try to cover up what you are doing some say they gotta work late or what ever that reason may be to try to conceal what is really what is really going on but I feel that "WHAT EVERY IS DONE IN THE DARK WILL SOON COME TO THE LIGHT." meaning the sinful things that you are doing know will all boil to the surface soon enough everything will be put out there as if it were on display in a gallery we all make mistakes we all may fall short but we also have the power to turn the tables to turn a negative in to a positive if you think that way at time that come across our minds but we over look it half the time to me.
TO BE CONTINUED

I know I have somethings to work on in my life who doesn't though I have some access baggage that i am a still dragging along like yes i consider myself a child at heart but at times my childish side gets the better half of me making any good judgments that I should make and at times it does plague me to were my mind at times takes over even though my heart is saying that its a bad idea and I know its bad idea but i end up going with what my heart said's is right my thing is I battle with myself constantly and with that i am always at war and I am sitting here thinking to my self why does it or why do I have to be this way i love my child like nature but I still feel like its time for me to grow up and face reality that I am not that little girl i once was i do love me for being me but the choices i make and at time how I go along with those so called choices is to me crazy why is this a constant battle between the good and evil within me why is it that I have a problem with this why do I let my bad often over power my good most or all of the time I was telling every one that I really  

need help and it seems to me that they just blow it off and i don't like that when you know there is something wrong with you you don't sit back and let it continue you seek the help that you need to resolve the matters at hand and i feel if whats i have to do then so be it because i am tired of living with this guilt with the pain that I have not only  brought on my self but to those around me I seem like i am doing good for my self by going to school getting my education and doing some thing better with my self than what I have been doing but how can i cause myself to move on or let go  if I still have so much hanging over my head or so many skeletons in my closet I know i am not perfect and i don't strive for neither but what i do strive for is a piece of mind some relief from all the weight on my shoulders the possibility to think with a clear head and not a guilty mind i want that feeling of being ashamed or being judged for not just who I am or what I do to go away and stay away that why I feel i need help I am tired of my worst half getting the best of better half and it being a constant battle of good vs evil .

thoughts with deep meaning

before i go as in leave this world i understand that i have so many loose ends i must tie so many people i have hurt with in my life so much anger that i have built up inside why do i take all my frustrations out on others when i should really be taking it out on my self why am i so bitter is something i do need to find out honestly but its like who can i run to i need to vent on everything thing i dislike a bout myself  were do i began its i know i have build this wall around me to block the hurt but the only thing i am really blocking out are the ones that love me the most this i have found out but i just did not care i still am like that know and i do slap a smile in face and act like it don't matter what they say should not matter but at i do know for the most part it may be true but for the half of it i act like it does not bother me but for the most part it does be cause it like i come around my family every day and i see how they are when stop by to say hello or stay the night i mainly push a way the ones i really do need within my circle close circle and now i see why they don't really want me around i steal and destroy all my life i would think of myself as a screw up well i have done i have found plenty of ways within my life to screw things up i once was the little girl who at one point use to cry for her mother now i am the one that acts like i don't need her at all i was always the one with the the learning problems but i feel that i have somewhat overcome that but still struggle but who doesn't but i feel like why do i do this to myself i have told lie after lie simply running from truth the way i see it do i even know what the truth is any more i have mistaking fiction for whats real for whats fake it like living a cartoon to me i have taking things and lied i have done this on a lot of different occasions to the point that no one trust me but on top of that how do i trust myself if any thing i have dug myself in to a ditch so deep that i can't seem to  get myself out there are so many barriers o may wall around my heart that if you tare down one there is always  going to be another one in its place one after another and its like how do i make all these walls collapse at once so that i free to fly and get away from whats holding me down i hate feeling like this forever waking up in the morning and staring at this same face in the mirror day after day i may put on a brave face but inside i'm dying of hurt of pain of  not knowing why this guilt that i feel is killing me day after day i may act brave but i am not i am scared of a lot of things what ever they may be the main i am terrified is that my mother is getting up there in age and everyday that goes by is another day of me not saying how i really feel to her but also feel that if i have some to say she won't care nor here me out or like she is not concerned or i i'm just talking just to be talking and i know i am not but does she is what i'm getting at do care enough to see that i am hurting and that i do need you can't you see that i do want you in my life its the thing you do that make me feel like a bald headed step child but it not just you its me also there is always two sides to any story but you don't see that what i do is a cry for you attention for you to open your heart and listen i feel like your so caught up with my sister and what she does or what she is going to do and i feel like i don't matter and if i feel like you pick favorites you do i may not have an interesting life like my sister but i do have a life non the less even if you don't seem to care i may not know how you feel but know how i feel and feel like i don't matter as much as my sister doe's we don't go out do things talk or anything i feel like if you just give a moment of your time you would see what was going on in my world but how can i make you see that i am more than what you see on the surface or what anyone may give me credit for if you give me any credit what so ever and you ask me why do i always run to my dad for every thing or about anything because i feel that he does listen more so than you do i am just stating how i feel or how i see it from my prospective i may shut you out but i would never shut you out of my life your my mom .

WARNING!
LOVE CAN CAUSE HEART ACHE HEARTBREAK STRESS DEPRESSION PROJECTILE VOMITING CHEST PAINS HEADACHES DIZZINESS LIGHT HEADED ECT. DO NOT TAKE AT
ALL IT IS A HARD PILL TO SWALLOW

life is extremely crazy if you ask me but i'm sure you know that already though but i am sitting here thinking about all the hell and shit i have put my parents through the last pass 28 years and i feel like yeah at times they did piss me off but out of all that i feel what i did in my life i brought it on myself and i am starting to see why me and mom are so distant because one thing is that every time she would give me ad vice i would go and cling to my father which is not right i should have at least sat and talked it out with her and ask questions to get a better understanding of why it is the way it is but i don't i cop an attitude like a child an storm off and that not cool my mother as told me that if i had anything to talk to her tell her but my thing is if she does not have the time to here me or "WHAT SHE THINKS" i have to say and she should be the one to talk to in any given time . to be continued

i do have a problem is the first thing i would like to admit my thing is taking from the ones who love me the most yes i do steal and i do have a problem with it i do struggle with this i don't care to admit it all i have taking things so much that it has not just became a habit it has become a problem and i feel that i need to seek help because its my mother that i am taking things from and it crazy she has done all she can for me and know she hates me for it because its like that's the way i re pay her is to steal who am i to do this to some who gave me life carried me for nine months she does not owe me a damn thing here i am cutting open scars that won't heal unless i  let them some of them  may need stitches because there bigger than may appear and instead of healing the scares that are already there i keep cutting more scars or poring salt on the ones that are already there is how i really  feel and its like i don't give a fuck or have remorse for the shit i have and is still putting her through till this day this is the part of me i hate the i don't give a fuck part that has this built up anger toward a woman that has not only showed me love but has been through a lot with me growing up i write things down because its hard for me to say what i need to say word of mouth but here it is .