I may have said some harsh thing to and about my mother in the pass which was wrong on my behalf yeah we may get into it but i feel lower than low right now there is nothing I won't do for her if she needs me to watch the kids I'll do if she needs squares I will go get them no matter how much we would bitch and argue there is nothing i will do for her my sister says its just be cause i want squares but that bitch don't know what I'm feeling and she will never know my heart like she gives two squirts of piss how I feel I may show my feeling differently but that don't mean I don't give a fuck no bull shit I love my mom like crazy yeah I under stand  that I put my mom through hell now she is getting ready to under go surgery my heart can't bear it I really can't I was always the one causing her problems taking her through hell she is dealing with a life illness and if can't do anything but cause her problems then why do I still come around if that's what i do I just ready to leave but that won't help me get over the bull shit that i have unraveled over the course of 29 years yes I do want to tell her how i feel while she is still living I feel like the longer i hold it in the more it will kill me slowly until there is nothing left my heart is heavy with regrets of not telling her over the years what has been going on with me or why I act like such a bitch I act like is was all about me but its not I have issues about me that need to be resolved if not I might as well waist away to nothing because its just going to eat me alive if let it I don't blame my mother for none of the shit I put her through and what I put myself through who am I really?? who the fuck am I to do my own mom like that right now its hard to see her in a hospital bed i may have done it but I feel like did but can't say that she fell yesterday and my niece was crying and i told her my mom tough she will be okay to calm her down but know I hear that they have to drill a whole in her head to take pressure of her brain and I am scared I can't take it no more I just can' t take anymore I maybe deeply hurting at this point and time but I was that little girl that use to cry every time her mother would go on her weekend vacations to saint Louis at that point and time i needed her and comes to show that I still need her even though I may not show it I need but I know i need to start just by doing the little thing i do for her what ever she needs while and when I am over hear I will do it that's my MOM if it wasn't for her i would not be were I am today she gave up her dreams her hair salon to teach me at home she sacrificed every thing for me  and this is how i repay her with years of fucking bullshit that's how to show someone appreciation to some one for all they have done my cousins in Chicago lost there mother they were young and they had o cope with that there is still so much I need to say to my mine while she is still here but its like were do I start I know were to start I can start by apologizing for the shit I have said to her  over the years and explain to her her what I am sorry for word of mouth no pen no paper just me why am I holding all this bitter frustration in its eating away my heart until there is nothing left I can't take it any longer I just can't I am sitting here writing this blog in tears mind you and I'm telling all this to a computer when this is not that something I should be talking to I should be talking to her my MOTHER!!!!!!......