I know I have somethings to work on in my life who doesn't though I have some access baggage that i am a still dragging along like yes i consider myself a child at heart but at times my childish side gets the better half of me making any good judgments that I should make and at times it does plague me to were my mind at times takes over even though my heart is saying that its a bad idea and I know its bad idea but i end up going with what my heart said's is right my thing is I battle with myself constantly and with that i am always at war and I am sitting here thinking to my self why does it or why do I have to be this way i love my child like nature but I still feel like its time for me to grow up and face reality that I am not that little girl i once was i do love me for being me but the choices i make and at time how I go along with those so called choices is to me crazy why is this a constant battle between the good and evil within me why is it that I have a problem with this why do I let my bad often over power my good most or all of the time I was telling every one that I really  

need help and it seems to me that they just blow it off and i don't like that when you know there is something wrong with you you don't sit back and let it continue you seek the help that you need to resolve the matters at hand and i feel if whats i have to do then so be it because i am tired of living with this guilt with the pain that I have not only  brought on my self but to those around me I seem like i am doing good for my self by going to school getting my education and doing some thing better with my self than what I have been doing but how can i cause myself to move on or let go  if I still have so much hanging over my head or so many skeletons in my closet I know i am not perfect and i don't strive for neither but what i do strive for is a piece of mind some relief from all the weight on my shoulders the possibility to think with a clear head and not a guilty mind i want that feeling of being ashamed or being judged for not just who I am or what I do to go away and stay away that why I feel i need help I am tired of my worst half getting the best of better half and it being a constant battle of good vs evil .

thoughts with deep meaning

before i go as in leave this world i understand that i have so many loose ends i must tie so many people i have hurt with in my life so much anger that i have built up inside why do i take all my frustrations out on others when i should really be taking it out on my self why am i so bitter is something i do need to find out honestly but its like who can i run to i need to vent on everything thing i dislike a bout myself  were do i began its i know i have build this wall around me to block the hurt but the only thing i am really blocking out are the ones that love me the most this i have found out but i just did not care i still am like that know and i do slap a smile in face and act like it don't matter what they say should not matter but at i do know for the most part it may be true but for the half of it i act like it does not bother me but for the most part it does be cause it like i come around my family every day and i see how they are when stop by to say hello or stay the night i mainly push a way the ones i really do need within my circle close circle and now i see why they don't really want me around i steal and destroy all my life i would think of myself as a screw up well i have done i have found plenty of ways within my life to screw things up i once was the little girl who at one point use to cry for her mother now i am the one that acts like i don't need her at all i was always the one with the the learning problems but i feel that i have somewhat overcome that but still struggle but who doesn't but i feel like why do i do this to myself i have told lie after lie simply running from truth the way i see it do i even know what the truth is any more i have mistaking fiction for whats real for whats fake it like living a cartoon to me i have taking things and lied i have done this on a lot of different occasions to the point that no one trust me but on top of that how do i trust myself if any thing i have dug myself in to a ditch so deep that i can't seem to  get myself out there are so many barriers o may wall around my heart that if you tare down one there is always  going to be another one in its place one after another and its like how do i make all these walls collapse at once so that i free to fly and get away from whats holding me down i hate feeling like this forever waking up in the morning and staring at this same face in the mirror day after day i may put on a brave face but inside i'm dying of hurt of pain of  not knowing why this guilt that i feel is killing me day after day i may act brave but i am not i am scared of a lot of things what ever they may be the main i am terrified is that my mother is getting up there in age and everyday that goes by is another day of me not saying how i really feel to her but also feel that if i have some to say she won't care nor here me out or like she is not concerned or i i'm just talking just to be talking and i know i am not but does she is what i'm getting at do care enough to see that i am hurting and that i do need you can't you see that i do want you in my life its the thing you do that make me feel like a bald headed step child but it not just you its me also there is always two sides to any story but you don't see that what i do is a cry for you attention for you to open your heart and listen i feel like your so caught up with my sister and what she does or what she is going to do and i feel like i don't matter and if i feel like you pick favorites you do i may not have an interesting life like my sister but i do have a life non the less even if you don't seem to care i may not know how you feel but know how i feel and feel like i don't matter as much as my sister doe's we don't go out do things talk or anything i feel like if you just give a moment of your time you would see what was going on in my world but how can i make you see that i am more than what you see on the surface or what anyone may give me credit for if you give me any credit what so ever and you ask me why do i always run to my dad for every thing or about anything because i feel that he does listen more so than you do i am just stating how i feel or how i see it from my prospective i may shut you out but i would never shut you out of my life your my mom .

WARNING!
LOVE CAN CAUSE HEART ACHE HEARTBREAK STRESS DEPRESSION PROJECTILE VOMITING CHEST PAINS HEADACHES DIZZINESS LIGHT HEADED ECT. DO NOT TAKE AT
ALL IT IS A HARD PILL TO SWALLOW

life is extremely crazy if you ask me but i'm sure you know that already though but i am sitting here thinking about all the hell and shit i have put my parents through the last pass 28 years and i feel like yeah at times they did piss me off but out of all that i feel what i did in my life i brought it on myself and i am starting to see why me and mom are so distant because one thing is that every time she would give me ad vice i would go and cling to my father which is not right i should have at least sat and talked it out with her and ask questions to get a better understanding of why it is the way it is but i don't i cop an attitude like a child an storm off and that not cool my mother as told me that if i had anything to talk to her tell her but my thing is if she does not have the time to here me or "WHAT SHE THINKS" i have to say and she should be the one to talk to in any given time . to be continued

i do have a problem is the first thing i would like to admit my thing is taking from the ones who love me the most yes i do steal and i do have a problem with it i do struggle with this i don't care to admit it all i have taking things so much that it has not just became a habit it has become a problem and i feel that i need to seek help because its my mother that i am taking things from and it crazy she has done all she can for me and know she hates me for it because its like that's the way i re pay her is to steal who am i to do this to some who gave me life carried me for nine months she does not owe me a damn thing here i am cutting open scars that won't heal unless i  let them some of them  may need stitches because there bigger than may appear and instead of healing the scares that are already there i keep cutting more scars or poring salt on the ones that are already there is how i really  feel and its like i don't give a fuck or have remorse for the shit i have and is still putting her through till this day this is the part of me i hate the i don't give a fuck part that has this built up anger toward a woman that has not only showed me love but has been through a lot with me growing up i write things down because its hard for me to say what i need to say word of mouth but here it is .

its crazy how i always manage to mess every thing up in my life time like taking things to the point no one wants me around any more and i wonder why people stay distant from me because of  my bad habits and i am starting to see why now and there is no excuse for what i do it inexcusable me knowing idled hands are the devils dirty work that i do understand that but why does my heart and head have this constant battle between each other my heart said what right but my head for ever leads me astray i know right from wrong so if that the case why am i like this they say if you do something over and over the its no longer a habit it be comes a problem and a i am ready to admit that i do have a problem in life in taking things what ever and i feel i need to get help because it has been going for to long i have been arrested two time over the dumb stuff 

i should think that would have taught me lesson by now but i am still on the same dumb shit and worst when someone confronts me about it i lie and say anything even  though they already know what i have done i don't think i know who i am any more it seems like i have jacked my life to the point were if look in the mirror i do know the person looking back at me not at all and the constant questions i have to ask my self who am i what have i become why have i become this and when will it end does it end thinking about it i hate who iv'e become and why should i keep living like this i am not a person i am a shell of my once former self and do need help i do i say this because it has gone to far i do not like who i have become+. 

its crazy how much that women pinches a nerve i swear it and its always getting more than a little old my mother she will never understand me or what makes me who i am see with me and here we are like day and night it seams like she doesn't do anything unless she get an okay from my baby sister and she is twenty five now and to me its crazy