this life is crazy if ask me i had the most strange dream last night but I think it had a deeper meaning it was like this I was walking down this road long road I may add and this three way paths opens up be for me the one on the left the sky was dark stormy thunder and this booming voice says to me fallow this path it will lead you to your destiny but in my dream I am think to my self do I trust this voice and another voice yelled out telling me to fallow that path  that lead straight down the middle and the sky over this road was a little lighter than than the last one and a voice says unto me fallow this path for it will lead to your destiny and I stood there with mix feelings about the first two then I turn to the path that was well lit brightly lit and a voice said to me in a gentle voice that seam so inviting what ever road you chose will lead you to a certain destination but I can not tell you which one to chose you will have to have to make decision on your own and the voice also says to me if you can pick the right one you can see your future unfold before you but the thing about was the destinations of the three paths were all mixed up so I stand not knowing what to do if
I take the darkened path will it lead to some thing great even though there is a greater struggle ahead or do I take the middle path the were that destination is uncertain as well if i was to fallow it were would it lead me I still stand confused and with lighter path it may look like it would be smooth road to take but what would be in store for me if I do take it and as was getting ready to take a step two of the paths crumble and the only path that was still standing was the dark path thinking to my self does this path mean that there will thing I've gotta go through in order to get were i wanna be it still had me puzzled with so many questions it was like taking a test with no pencil and the voice says once again WELL THE CHOICE IS YOURS and after he spoke I woke up ???????

AT WAR

I AM AT WAR SIMPLY TORN BETWEEN WHAT'S RIGHT AND WHAT'S WRONG HOW CAN I CARRY ON KNOWING MY BODY FEELS WEAK AND MY HEARTS NOT THAT STRONG BUT YET THE BATTLE GOES ON LIKE A NEVER ENDING ROAD NOTHING BUT BAGGAGE SUCH A HEAVY LOAD BUT YET THE BATTLE CONTINUES AND STILL RAGES ON SHOULD I WAVE MY FLAG OR STAND TALL AND COURAGEOUSLY BATTLE ON OR GIVE IN ADMITTING DEFEAT LET THIS THING TAKE OVER AND CALL IT A NIGHT NO IT MAYBE A BATTLE BUT WILL CONTINUE TO FIGHT BE CAUSE THIS THING I FEEL IS BIGGER THAN ME MIGHT BE TINY COMPARED TO OTHER BATTLES I HAVE FACED IN THE PASS IT IS AND IT HAS BEEN A HAZY BATTLE AT TIME A CRAZY BATTLE FOR GOODNESS SAKE NO MATTER WHAT IT TAKES NOW HOW MUCH MY HEART MAY BREAK OR MY FAITH MAY SHAKE I CAN NOT AND WILL NOT BREAK AMONG SO MANY MISTAKES I HAVE MADE AND WILL MAKE EVEN THOUGH ITS HARD TO GET THING STRAIGHT AND AT TIMES I GIVE MORE THAN I CAN TAKE AND SOME POINT IN MY LIFE ITS HARD TO BARE SO MANY THING GO WRONG AND I ACT LIKE I DON'T CARE AT ALL BUT WHEN I FALL I FALL WOMEN DOWN! I CAVE NOT KNOWING JUST WHAT HAVE DONE KNOWING THIS BATTLE I AM FIGHTING IS NOT YET WON AND BUT FEEL AT TIMES THAT MY HOPE IS GONE AND ONCE AGAIN I LOOK BACK ON WHO I'VE HURT AND WHAT WENT WRONG THE PEOPLE I HAVE HURT AND THE PAIN I HAVE CAUSED AND WHAT I HAVE LOST AND AT WHAT COST ???.

I have thinking about a lot things lately lie reevaluating my life and the way I do things like one thing I do think about is this why do I talk about my sister like a dog but I am always in her face laughing with her and her knowing that how I feel about her still remains yes she does frustrate me like crazy and it like if you have a problem with me tell me but I know she won't I will just continue to be the but of her jokes like usual I may not like but it what can I do I can try to to tell her how I feel but knowing her she won't care because to me she is not that touchy person how to talk to someone when you know there heart seems harden for what ever reason I have my own things to work on I know like the way I am with people or even or act toward people including my own family because I feel like I am distant from them and I feel that way because of how I act around them for example its the way I am so disrespectful towards them I say my little things I say  when I get angry or upset but I shouldn't get so up set that i call my mother a bitch at times that's or what have you or say what any harsh about her or any one I sit up there talking like I am the victim when I know I am also part of the problem or that situation so why should I keep continuing to act like I am not the problem when in actuality I am if I didn't act like its all about me all the times and actually and open my eyes and see the big picture and to know and realize that there are other people involved that are effected by my actions and things I say or do but I am to busy stuck in la la land and not reality I need to learn to grow and understand as an adult because right know I am still in childish mode to afraid to face the truth about not just life but about my self deeply that's why I feel at times I feel so alone because that's how I feel the way I am headed if I don't own up to the mistakes that I have made ....

yes I am so tired of people trying to bring up my past and through it in my face I mean come on really I know what I have done in past why bring it over and over again like its okay to dwell about it I have don things in my life not even my own mother is not proud of and I no I am ashamed of but you know what I am also learning to come to pass with my past and trying to forgive it and the ones who hurt me but I need to practice
a little more of that forgiveness TO BE CONTINUED....

self thought

I love having time to my self because it gives me time to reflect on some of the issues in my life like where my  life is really headed or even on my love life witch is not going so well at this point and time still single of course or even one day having a family a little girl running around the house and if not that then other things in general but it gives me time to think about whats really important in my life like things I can do to improve my life for the better and that is one reason I love to blog also it gives me a chance to express my self in away that I would never imagine like no matter what I am going through I can express my self through the written  word that's why I enjoy it so much its like writing a book were you narrate the story and its the story of you the good the bad the ups and downs of life its self that why when my sister comes around I just sit back and listen even if she is dogging me out just to show out in front of her friends like what I have to say does not matter but if I can't express y self word of mouth whats in my heart I will right it down or in this case type it but if she ever read my blogs then she would have a different perspective on how I really feel more so than just saying nothing and let the bullshit that's why all the things I do write about I would love to turn it into a book not really a tell all book but a book about my thoughts my feelings on different thing and situations covering all aspects of my life starting from were it all began to where I am know just so I can say "MY LIFE IS AN OPEN BOOK I HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE!!" because we all have a story to tell I am ready to put it out there with no regrets of doing so just to show not only the world who I am but those who ever hurt me and those I have hurt also no holding back .

to those who criticize (never be afraid of who you are)

there is something wrong with those who mock and and tease those who are different if they would justo the hell  close there mouth open there ears and listen who are you to judge me for who I am or what I have done they say words don't hurt but they cut like knife pierce like daggers with every harsh word that comes out of your mouth no matter what say or what I do you think your better than me just because I'm a little different life is to short for any one to mock or mention how the next person acts or how they are or who they are not knowing what that person is capable of  they want to sit and criticize and over look ever aspect of the next persons life but they act like there to scared to scared to pass judgement on there own life or there to ashamed to look in the mirror and face the person looking back them what is there to be afraid of  take a look and tell me what you see I am only human me being criticize for what I know I am not perfect and I have made plenty of mistakes in my life but you sit up there like your on high horse and try to down talk me like your life is all good I will admit yes I am not perfect but the way I see it is people like to talk about you to other people but the don't have the decency to talk about you to so you can get that grasp of knowing what you need to change not only that its like you have no care of who you hurt when you say what you say about that person behind there back or whenever or where ever its like bullying by word of mouth not really physically not giving a damn on how that other person may feel or not caring at all on who they put down or let down and they won't have a clue  until it happens to them we all have thing to work out in life its self  but the constant put downs don't really help no one any if it constantly continues let me find for my self how I can really be I may be different but I also have my hopes and dreams my likes dislikes or what have you I am who I and who the hell are you to judge me I won't lie like she dogs me out in front of her friends i do the same to her to my friends it may not be right on both behalves but its like going to battle not with me but with that other person who can no seem to quit when it comes to put downs they don't give a damn a about feelings or how you feel and I hate I REALLY! do I see its how its easier to pass judgement or blame than it is to apologize for hurting that person wrongfully yes I know we have our pride but at times why can't we put that pride a side to let some one know how they feel about whatever I say GOD knows my heart and I know my heart but do they will they care enough to honestly they say things like words don't hurt they cut like a knife to the heart and to add insult to injury is like poring salt on an open womb you already hurting damn near dying already but that other person don't care they just leave you there to suffer that's how I feel about it and my question would be why ,why do this to me when you see that I am already dying if that the case just leave me here and walk away is what I am really feeling that is how it seems to me but question for the criticizer WHY?? do you really hate and despise me that much to were I am nothing but a BIG JOKE to you why is my life on display for the world to see and judge is how I deeply feel its like i have a painted smile on my face and a big red nose with floppy feet if you get what I am saying I know I need to change some things in my life but while I am working on me why not work on what needs to be worked on in there own life just saying in general mainly put toward my sister or who ever sits and criticizes the next person for what? is beyond me I am tires of it I am SICK and TIRED of it all and at times you think when will it end or will it ?  why pick and choose that same scab to peel of over and over just to watch it bleed time and again ?.

it crazy

Its crazy how even though me and my sister don't get along she still brings me up in her conversations with her little friends and it always something negative also but its crazy how so much negativity can come out one person as I said once before she for ever makes me the but of her conversation saying thing like my sister has the mind of a 2 year old or she is slow childish the list goes on but me now of days i just sit back and listen we all have issues we nee to fix but blasting me in front of your friends just to feel better about who you are that does not get you very far in life I feel like this she quickly points the finger at me for my mistakes but why not talk about the mistakes she hat made I am sure she has made quite a few in her life time to sit and criticize me but all I can do is sit back and wait her time will come and when it does all can do for her is stand there and shake my head because there will come a time when she will need me to do something but I will keep my head up keep a smile on my face and carry on because she is just doing her so she says but I know my heart and were I stand in a lot of things but the she sees other people is crazy why sit up there and say what you want to say in front of your so called friends just to get a laugh and I think about it all I am is one big joke to her all my life is to her is one big joke she knocks me down just to get kicks she will get more than her fill soon I understand I understand that I have done a lot bullshit in my life time but to her my life is on show at the nearest arena like get your tickets now just saying but its her problem is just that hers so what ever her problem is she bitter about the past or what because we use were cool as kids but I guess life got her now every things twisted...