I get so much life out every one here right now one here my brother is here from Cali and his friends are got the grill going my aunt and Unk here from the Chi I am in heaven right now I love it I really do my new little baby cuz here and it maybe rainy outside i but fuck that its all good you know its Gucci ! this blog maybe short but I'm loving it !!!..

I maybe 29 but I am feeling 22 putting away all the the things that have been through why must I dwell in the pass when I can live in the present I'm guessing no stressing at times now I feel like the future is bright and I know in my heart that every will be all right can't don't won't fight this feeling that feeling were every thing feels real and life is so appealing haters don't bother everything now is technicolor malty color bold big brighter hot like fire LIFE lifting me high then higher never gonna retire nor expire from this feeling no one can bring down from this sweet sensation its a revelation with no hesitation YES!! I love it place nothing above hated or love it !!.  

I don't understand why ever sense my mothers relative got her from Jacksonville its been crazy in the sense of him driving me fucking crazy he don't when to shut up it seems like he good at telling other people what to do in they house but can't control his own don't know why that it I understand you here to help my mother but he  come over her and it seems like he gets helpless its crazy how you call your self trying to help but have to call me for damn near everything I don't get at all ?..
And my mother I have been helping her out ever sense she was in the hospital and she has the nerve to say "You don't do any thing any way" its like she can't show any appreciation for any thing I do for her I call my self try to do for he I put up with it cause she is my mother I won't say I have a choice because do I can carry my ass home and when and when she does need someone who gone be there the way I see it is appreciate what you got now because once its gone its gone at first I enjoyed helping her but it seems lately she has become a a little over barring to me she did say thank you but what does that really mean coming from her I am just trying to show her gratitude eve though I may have put her through hell for so long I just wanted to show her thanks.    

I FUCKIN LOVE LIFE I LOVE IT!!!!! first of the good thing are the best thing to me I am sitting here with my peoples having a great time with my sister yeah at time she can be a bitch but i lover her I guess she has her moment were she can be cool and fun or funny and my cousin is so amusing but me i just sit back and soak up every thing like a sponge at times I like to do so because because its weird to me how someone who act like there better than or put you down for whatever act or are I may not have it everything but grateful for what I got and who I am don't wanna be any one else I am smart creative funny and the list goes on but anyway enough of that right now life is jungle and I am on the prow for any thing that enlightens me like the conversation i am listening to right now between my sister my cousins and my mother all I have to do is pay attention to my surroundings and learn from it all just think of me as a student and there the teachers so what ever they are discussing let me sit back and take notes right now there talking about there friendship this is not to put any one down or to dog anyone out it more like me not being like when it comes to them I don't blend in with there mix like oil and water I am water to there oil that why a round them I laugh because at time some of the stuff they say maybe funny but that's just that I am more into poetry or in art or even more so into spoken word to were I express myself differently than she may she is more so out spoken outgoing so just like she looks at me differently I see her differently I see her as this classy personality type to were as me I am more so I rather write my thoughts and feeling in the form poetry or spoken word through my art work or what have you that just how we are ...  

as far as the highs and lows of life goes my favorite thing about my life is the good times i exclude the bad because its the good times that mean the most to me rather its helping my mom in her time of need or giving my nieces and nephews something fun to do for the summer I enjoy the time I get to spend with them my sister acts like she don't care she has my cousin watch her son so that they won't turn out like but in my heart that wrong they are some good kids these last past two weeks I have spent time with them yes my oldest niece can be a smart mouth like she grown and running things but under the that so called tough exterior I know she is crying out for just one person to listen to her and what she has to say I was there when she was growing up ever sense she was born  her mother act like she did not give a damn about them she has three kids and I think its so sad how there mother wanted what she wanted now my parents have custody of all three and to me its sad because the little baby she is soon to be six and yet she don't know even who her mother is and that's to damn sad the mother was ready to give her to anyone and know she wants her kids back when she did not want them in the first place because all she is is a big ass hoe slash pot head its like she fallows were ever the weed is if she was half the mother she needs to be or is suppose to be she would pick her self up and get her self together completely and if she was a real mother and she really wanted them back she would get off her ass and fight to get them back but in actuality she don't want them she is still to busy being the bitch she know she can be and to me that is crazy
to me just like the saying goes "IT TAKES A REAL WOMEN TO BE A MOTHER!" because when I do decide to have kids I would want my babies father to be in my child's life no matter what ! I feel that I have both parents in my life growing up I feel like I would like the same for  my kids but also I do admire those single parents doing for them selves and for the sake of the baby either with out or with out help from a man and at times a man with out the help of a women I give all of a thumbs up for doing what they gotta do to take care of home or go back to school striving to make better way for them and that child I may not have kids at all but I see single parents doing what they gotta do to strive for something better and love seeing that I say that because its inspiring their out there out there working nine to five to keep food on the table clothes on there kids back and shoes on their feet and much more then you have the ones out there that don't give a damn they want what they want and now a days you got babies you have babies having babies and the baby daddy don't want nothing to do with that its all fucked up to me my question would why they wanna make excuses instead of owning up to responsibility and that's getting the kid wrapped up in a dispute that he/she should not be involved in that.that kid never asked to be here but their are but it seams like the child is involved at times and it pisses me off to hear shit like that if your mad at the father that who you get mad at not the child period point blank .

I see see how crazy life can be at times life its self can be an amusement park or like one in en every sense of  the world i say this because you get those people in your life at times that may take you through loops like a roller coaster or may turn you and your world up side down or at times make you sick to your stomach like the tilt a whirl I say this because at times it can feel like that its crazy because that's how life is for me at times you have those people that come in to your life at time and try to take every bit of sanity you do have and then there are those who are really good people to have around and again there are those who do take through loops and dips but my thing about this is I am sure everyone know those people at times it can be a friend or an acquaintance or whoever but I also feel like there's different ways to handle certain people my method is to just keep to myself I don't bother them they don't bother me because I feel like like this no one wants to be bothered by annoying ass people fuck the dumb shit there is so many other things I can be doing besides dealing with the people you don't want around you its better to be around people you have the most in common with rather than be put through hell by the ones you don't I have a group of friends that will always be there to help me out when ever i need or just to crack jokes to put a smile on my face a it feels good to know that they will be there to support no matter what your dreams are and that's the company you keep no I know and then there is the bad company the ones who just want what they want an don't give a damn if its hurting you or not I have also those type of people in my life and I am sure a lot of people have in my life time i don been through it the ones who only want to come around when there is money involved and once the the money is gone there gone to WHO NEEDS THAT !! at all so my thing is keep the friends around you that mean the most to you and those who you don't sending them packing I feel like this its better to have peace and tranquility in your life than it is to let some one or some thing piss you off like the saying goes "ITS BETTER TO BE PISSED OF THAN PISSED ON!" and at some point that's true but then at times its not it depends on the situation and if problems like that seam to arise be level headed a bout it and think of or find a solution to what the problem is and see if you can figure it out for your self or get some advice from a friend on what to do do but DO NOT EVER ! give some one the power over you to think that there your friends unless there is some thing good in it for them or there trying to get some thing out of it keep the ones you love close to you because there are  always fun times to be had with  great friends think a bout it the laughs the stories if the friends are really true those are the moments that matter like a simple gesture or them calling to see if your doing well or there there when your feeling down there always there to pick you up again or when you need with whatever there there or if you just need to smile a good friend is a pick me up and then some no matter what side your side or his/her (s) I think good friends are the up side to life bogus friends are the down side to life at time or should i say it like this good people in your life are like a fine wine it gets better with age and bad friends are like a a cheap wine you may think its good at first but leaves a nasty bitter after taste in your mouth after you have tried it so what   really say to you is if you wanna go for something good a great friend is the best thing you can ever have I should know I got a lot of them..  

What am I doing life is to short to be worrying about what my so called sister has to say about me I understand she can be bitter about whatever but that is her problem even though shit don't matter to her unless its about her I have my own life to live if she don't like it then that is her own damn problem right now I am working on my License well I had my learners permit but never got my license so that is what I am working on i put every thing else on hold to do so  my art work and every thing i will let my sister worry her self to death about me later sense she seams to want to mock me and make fun of me and make me the butt of her jokes when her friends are around like I'm a worthless piece of shit stuck to the bottom of her shoe I who I am but who is she is the question who died and gave her the right to think she is better than I am but enough about that thing I am trying to get myself my life back on track it may take a while to pick up the pieces and move on but I believe that its possible anything is I do believe it is I am going back to school soon but this time I will have to buckle down and study hard progress never works if you give up and stop trying so I will strive on just to make my life better and to strive to keep my dream alive of wanted a stable life because I do want kids and i do want a good husband and at some point kids but i feel I can't get that until I get up off my ass and get out there and get it for real .

MY FEARS

MY FEARS OF SELF PITY 

MY FEARS OF SELF DOUBT 

MY FEARS OF EVER FINDING AWAY OUT

MY FEARS OF LONELINESS THAT TORMENT IN THE BACK OF MY MIND 

MY FEARS OF REGRET

MY FEARS OF LIFE

MY FEARS OF EMPTINESS

MY FEARS OF SPREADING MY WINGS AND FLYING SO MANY FEARS IN MY LIFE KEEPS ME  FROM TRYING FOR EVER DENYING WHAT I SHOULD BE DOING THERE IS NO LOSING AND THERE IS NO WINNING BUT WHAT IS MY ENDING OR BEGINNING OF A NEW CHAPTER THAT'S ALL I AM AFTER......

 

 

my sister is the type of person that she want and she does not care about who she tares down along the to get were she wants to be if its not about her it ain't about shit I don't know why we is so bitter but she needs to get the hell over it every body has there issues with there siblings but with mine its crazy she sit on her so called high horse looking down on me like i'm gum on the bottom her shoe she likes to dog every little thing i do like she is better than me or i'm worthless or some kind of charity case like nothing else matters not once has she ever said any positive to me its for ever sarcasm that spits from her mouth like daggers to the heart i am sick of ite its bull shit or how the bitch puts me down i front of her friends like a hopeless case and she will always be better than me no matter what i do i'm pathetic in her eyes or she tells me one time that i am no good for her friends like her friends like saying her friends way better off than i will ever be the yes i know i am the laid back ,creative;ect... to her i am a waits of time a nobody no one needs to go through life day by day being made fun of called out there name or criticized or humiliated or even disrespected or told how to what to do by there baby sister she soon to be 26 years old just because i don't live my life according hers she thinks has right to tell you how to live thats bull shit no one need that my thing to her is she needs to 1.shut the fuck up i am tired of her im up here but your way down here type thinking too!!! i am not who claim to be i am not a stepping stone to were she wants to be just because i dont live my life like her or live up to her expectation of who she thinks i should be more like here i am not her and she is a negative person i can be when i choose to but with her there is no off switch .

I may have said some harsh thing to and about my mother in the pass which was wrong on my behalf yeah we may get into it but i feel lower than low right now there is nothing I won't do for her if she needs me to watch the kids I'll do if she needs squares I will go get them no matter how much we would bitch and argue there is nothing i will do for her my sister says its just be cause i want squares but that bitch don't know what I'm feeling and she will never know my heart like she gives two squirts of piss how I feel I may show my feeling differently but that don't mean I don't give a fuck no bull shit I love my mom like crazy yeah I under stand  that I put my mom through hell now she is getting ready to under go surgery my heart can't bear it I really can't I was always the one causing her problems taking her through hell she is dealing with a life illness and if can't do anything but cause her problems then why do I still come around if that's what i do I just ready to leave but that won't help me get over the bull shit that i have unraveled over the course of 29 years yes I do want to tell her how i feel while she is still living I feel like the longer i hold it in the more it will kill me slowly until there is nothing left my heart is heavy with regrets of not telling her over the years what has been going on with me or why I act like such a bitch I act like is was all about me but its not I have issues about me that need to be resolved if not I might as well waist away to nothing because its just going to eat me alive if let it I don't blame my mother for none of the shit I put her through and what I put myself through who am I really?? who the fuck am I to do my own mom like that right now its hard to see her in a hospital bed i may have done it but I feel like did but can't say that she fell yesterday and my niece was crying and i told her my mom tough she will be okay to calm her down but know I hear that they have to drill a whole in her head to take pressure of her brain and I am scared I can't take it no more I just can' t take anymore I maybe deeply hurting at this point and time but I was that little girl that use to cry every time her mother would go on her weekend vacations to saint Louis at that point and time i needed her and comes to show that I still need her even though I may not show it I need but I know i need to start just by doing the little thing i do for her what ever she needs while and when I am over hear I will do it that's my MOM if it wasn't for her i would not be were I am today she gave up her dreams her hair salon to teach me at home she sacrificed every thing for me  and this is how i repay her with years of fucking bullshit that's how to show someone appreciation to some one for all they have done my cousins in Chicago lost there mother they were young and they had o cope with that there is still so much I need to say to my mine while she is still here but its like were do I start I know were to start I can start by apologizing for the shit I have said to her  over the years and explain to her her what I am sorry for word of mouth no pen no paper just me why am I holding all this bitter frustration in its eating away my heart until there is nothing left I can't take it any longer I just can't I am sitting here writing this blog in tears mind you and I'm telling all this to a computer when this is not that something I should be talking to I should be talking to her my MOTHER!!!!!!......